Yesterday, while coming back from Guwahati to Kolkata, as the flight was delayed and I had too much time to kill, I observed the chit-chat of two close friends. The chat was quite normal like we all have with our friends, but there was something very curious about it and that made me to continue listening to them. Most of us who have good friends would be able to relate to this chit-chat and perhaps could match the level of curiosity within ourselves. Wasting no further time on the boring prefaces, I am now just trying to recall the chat .
I don't know the name of those friends, So I would be calling them as Adarsh (Adi) and Akanksha (akshi).
Adi: Why the f..... these flights get delayed, I just hate flight journeys. I rather love trains..
Akshi: Yup, I agree, trains are great fun provided the companions are good.
Adi: Do you remember my trip from Lucknow to Jaipur! I still remember it like it was yesterday.
Akshi: Which one? I don't remember you going anywhere in last two years, apart from the short official tours. Isn't that right?
Adi: Dhakks, I am talking about 2006. When I bunked my training half way between and rushed to Jaipur to meet my Nani.... :D
Akshi: Oh ya, how can I forget that, what did you say to your boss?????? want to see nani as she is not keeping well.... liar, and what was nani's name..... Ishika?? ( your first love.... janam janmantar wala... hehe...) what happened to her, I told you she is not good enough for you, but you a are stupid emotional guy, she dumped you. Still you din't tell me the reason what happened between you guys??
Adi: (hiding explicable emotions in his eyes); Nothing yaar, I haven't been able to figure out the reason yet, anyways its an old story. And you know, I have moved on and even had a girl friend there after as well. So not a big deal...
Akshi: Ya, I know you had a girl friend, but what happened with the second one, why din't that relationship work? All you guys are the same, I thought you are not like other guys, but see, even you din't show any respect towards girls..... !
Adi: Nothing like that bhartiya nari (being a bit naughty), I do respect women a lot, that is why I keep finding a new girl to love and respect. But I am happy that Riya (the 2nd one) decided to break it off, because I din't love her and perhaps I can never love anybody else now. So no hard feelings for her...Happies endings.. :D
Akshi: Are you sure? Happy ending and all, atleast don't lie to me or to yourself. Do you still love Ishika? Do you remember how much down you were in life because of her, she was not good enough for you, I thought you are so sensible and now turning our to be a matured professional. All of us take advise from you, you are so correct about relations, you are so practical. Then why are you still holding on to these emotions. I don't know yar what to say, I never have words to give you any gyan because you yourself are such a big gyani. Come on yar, look at you, you are a good looking, successful professional, belong to such a good family, have such a charming personality. Every one admires you, you can get any girl you want. Please move on, for god's sake.
Adi: (Pause for a moment,looking down).. Yes you are right, I can get any one. I know I am sensible enough to understand what is wrong, but dear sometimes thinking practically does not help you. I could never share this with any one, because I knew no one will understand as its even difficult for myself to understand. Every one in our group says, see adi, how happy and cheerful he always is, nothing bothers him. Sharing everyone's problem, solving people's relationship issues, I do all these. But I can't help my self, I just want myself on the other side of table.
Yes I still love her, and always loved only her. Even today those moments, that I spent with her in Jaipur, are so fresh in my mind as though it was a yesterday's story; as though those were the golden days of my life. I could never be happier than those days. Even today when I travel, and close down my eyes, I see her face, her eyes. I can't forget any of those moments. I know how much she has hurt me, and I should be hating her instead of loving. I even expressed my hatred to her, but my heart still loves her, it can never hate her. No matter how bad she did to me, no matter how much it ruined my life. There is a hidden desire in my heart, which i can't share with any one.. I just wanted a last meeting with her, just want to see her once again. I know, today I can get any one but dear, how can I forget she loved me when I was not lovable. I wasn't good looking, had such a boring and dry personality. You know the irony of life, that time I was not the one she wanted in her life, but today I am exactly the same sort of guy, as she wanted.
Sometimes I feel like mailing to her, just want to convey her that I still love her. Its been 6 years now since I last saw her and four year's since I last spoken to her. Life has moved like anything in between these years but those emotions seem to be eternal. Those emotions have really halted my life. Why can't I just move on?????????
Akshi: Oh god, you are ruining your life dear. Please marry any other beautiful girl and start dating again. I still remember the day, when I flunked in an exam and only you made me believe its just an exam and not life. Life just goes on. Believe me that chapter is over now.
Wait, where is she now, what is her relationship status? Why don't you just talk to her for once. May be she is still single, may be she also loves you. Why don't you just try it once.
Adi: Sometimes I also feel the same, but its an old story now, I don't want to do anything out of emotions. I am afraid of losing my self-respect, I don't want to get hurt. May be I don't love her. Its just that no one can forget his first love, I love those memories and that girl but she is not that girl now. Give me some time, I will move one...
Akshi: Oh come on, now don't start your Main aur meri tanhai... See I understand self respect is important but not bigger than life. I know you both loved each other till you were together. I think one should marry the person that one loves. Its the matter of a life-time, right life partner is so important. If you don't try it now, you will always regret this. You will never forget that just for the fear of losing self respect, you din't try to get the love of your life.
Adi: Ya, you are right but, we don't have any communication and she also never tried to keep any contact. I will think about it, let me gather some courage. But do you remember the dialogue of that movie, what was the name.. leave the name- " If you love some one let it go, agar wo laut ke aye to hi wo tumhara hai, nahi to wo tumhara kabhi tha hi nahi.. "
But ya, I just want to convey this message to her via god help line- I love you and will always love you, I could never love any one else and perhaps will not be able to do the same. As I promised you some day, I will keep my promise and will always wait for you the way I have been waiting since last 5 years...